We have all heard of the dreaded friend zone, the place people find themselves where they believe all hope is lost. Where affection is behind an electrified fence making it seem improbable if not impossible to ever reach. There’s a grey area in how the sexes relate that leaves a lot begging, we’ll start with phrasing, eg: The inclination to explain your relationship with that guy or girl as “just friends”. Why does one put the word “just” before the word friend?

In some contexts “just” can be used as a diminutive adverb. Similar to saying: “He is merely a friend.” If one ever saw fit to describe your friendship in those glowing terms one should decide if they’re happy having their association being referred to in those terms.

By virtue of being gregarious seeking social interaction is a given and thus one has few options but to form relationships. Some are friendships and generally the word “friend” casts a positive light on the nature of the relationship. Other relationships go in the opposite direction and take on negative qualities much like foes, enemies, adversaries or whatever else you wish.

I was under the impression that when you got married your husband or wife would ideally be your best friend too. I never understood people saying they don’t want to ruin a friendship, if you’re supressing the development of a relationship how is that looking after it? Unless you view friendships like bonsai trees, situation permitting you should encourage friendships to develop. Mind you the words “situation permitting” are of vital importance.

It goes down to what we like to call our partners even; boyfriend\girlfriend. Friendship is the ultimate prize in this relationship game and when you see a couple that has been together for years and are still in love realize that friendship runs deep between them. Personally I struggle with reconciling why trying to enhance a friendship is looked at as an easy path to “ruining” that friendship.

[Be advised that what I am saying should be considered by single people, people in committed relationships are afforded special privileges in these instances ]

Recently I was speaking to a lady who looked at me disapprovingly when I told her that my lady and I went from meeting straight to dating. She was curious why I wouldn’t spend time evaluating someone before I dated them. I replied that one of my favourite passages is when we’ve just met and we give in to our mutual attraction. The rush of infatuation and physical attraction create my foundation and after the physical hurdles have been cleared I get about knowing more about the person of interest.

I understand the school of thought that says that this is approaching things in reverse but unfortunately the friend zone has created a situation where I am sometimes reluctant to engage in friendship. I believe these friendships have glass ceilings and found that being the kind that speaks about any and everything with female friends renders you an unviable preposition for a relationship sometimes. It’s also a lot more difficult to make the leap from friend to lover, but besides that difficulty I am worried by something else.

I am worried that going from friend to lover means that we get to miss the butterflies and irrational attraction and yearning that make new relationships so exciting. I am not sure if after two years of being buddies jumping into relationship mode can get me excited enough to do those romantic things that guys do when they are courting. I am not sure I could ramp up my excitement to lend that new love feel to things.

I have unfortunately been caught in the friend zone one too many times and the way some women play the friend game seems unfair to me. I’d like to think that if I was your friend I’d be as genuine a friend as possible and I get frustrated when a friendship is so good I see my marriage being a relationship like this. When all that’s missing is affection to make this the best thing you’ve ever experienced. Of course most of the time this feeling is one-sided, but the times it has happened to me I hated it enough to never want to go back there again.

The other day my lady called me friend and I replied that I’m not her friend. I said that I’m her lover and I’m trying to be as good a friend to her as I am a lover.

It’s been really interesting going from this intense emotional connection to mapping out our friendship. Understanding that a lack of friendship ruins a relationship more than a relationship can ruin a friendship. As much as I love my woman my job won’t be finished till I’m her best friend too. I want THAT friend zone! The friend zone where lover and friend become indistinguishable; where I’m not her man and she’s not my woman.  The kind of friend-zone where she can freely disagree with and correct me in public. Where she doesn’t think things like don’t speak over your man in public or behave a certain way when he’s around, where she can feel like a true equal.

This is the kind of friend zone I like to create and once this zone has been created it’s very difficult to break out of too. Even if we broke up and stopped being lovers we could say things like: “Let’s stay friends” knowing that we are also full-fledged friends.  

The common definition of friend zone is somewhat of an insult, it means that you’re good enough to be a friend but not good enough to be lover. Considering that the ultimate goal of relationships lies in companionship which is ultimately friendship I am surprized that so many don’t see this friend zone thing as the slap to your friendships face it is.

Just remember that a friendship and the friend zone are not the same thing. The zone is a containment exercise and friendship is allowed to run whatever which way it pleases